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 Some Venting

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Chicken
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Location : The Land of Roleplaying and Procrastination

PostSubject: Some Venting   Fri Aug 23, 2013 6:43 pm

As I'm sipping on my gatorade with both of my feet up on the desk, typing away in this comfortable yet uncomfortable position, I can't help but reflect on some of my more recent mistakes and the flaws deeply ingrained in my being.

But before the sob story starts I guess I should provide a bit of back story. For a while now I've been going to this cool RP chat. Been having fun and I've made a bunch of friends with the regulars there, despite a few issues, one involving a person who temporarily replaced me (but we patched things up and worked something out).

Though this "replacement" (let's call them Vic since that's what they wish to be called.) has caused me a bunch of trouble, even though it's really my own damn fault.

For one, due to us RPing the same character, my insecurities get amplified. Whenever I see them in the chat, even though they're playing a different character than the one I play (in-chat at least, they run an RP account for the character I RP and RPed the character I RP in-chat when I had a brief mental breakdown for a few days) and we both share a lot of mutual ships, I'm afraid they're just shaking their head and want to RP the character I RP because they know I'm doing a piss poor job. Or they just want to start RPing that character again.

And unlike them, I'm a one trick pony. While they RP a lot of different characters, pull it off well with multiple RP accounts that are active and have a lot of followers (another source of envy for me), I generally stick to mediocrely RPing one character like an obsessive hack, not even working up the courage to make an RP account because I know there's someone better and my commitment and drive will drain.

And then there's my laziness. I should have NEVER accepted to do paragraph RP with them, much less trying to juggle it with them and another person. I'm lazy as shit and I had to give up both without telling them, so I'm crippled by my own shame, wanting to fess up to it so there won't be anymore disappointment, but at the same time not wanting to bother or, well, disappoint them by saying the RPs are off.

I feel sick. I honest to god feel sick, thinking about my incompetence and how much they must hate me. It's irrational to assume that they hate me, I know, but I swear, there's got to be some lingering contempt in the back of their minds. I fear the day someone calls me out on my bullshit, because they'll have the right to and I will have it coming.

I really wish I wasn't this way, such a pathetic wreck of lazy bones. But there's no turning back, this is who I am and my future will be nothing since I can't commit to anything.
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Some Venting
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